Breathe.

How do you breathe when you can no longer breathe? How do you look forward when everything you see is shrouded in a cloud of confusion and anxiety? How do you break free when every ounce of you is bound so tightly you can no longer move?

How do you breathe beyond the constricted chest, see beyond the blurred vision, eat beyond the churned guts. This to me is my world of late. Anxiety and depression are my world, my reality. The IT I wake up to. The IT I go to sleep with. The IT I look at daily. The IT I have to overcome minutely. The IT I converse with and try to come to some sort of even ground with. And the IT who wakes we in the dark hours of the night to make me question my sanity.

To some, this is a measure of weakness. To me, it shows a person a been strong for way to long. It shows they have no longer anything to give, that their once full cup has run dry. 

Believe me, there is nothing more I would give to be able to fast forward my vision and take hold of that once shining future. However circumstances have led me down certain paths that I never dreamed imaginable. But what fears me most is that that path has no defined edges. It is as jagged and raw as my emotions. 

Can I regain the path I had once set for myself? Im not sure, but am I willing to try - yes. Will it be pretty - I sure don't think so - actually I pretty much doubt it. But am I willing to open up that path to a brighter future? Yes. I will invest whatever energy I have left at the end of a day to (no matter how hard) to finding the real me again. The one who used to smile upon opening their eyes, the one who saw the good in every opportunity, the one who lived life simply and just because.

I long to see her face. The one that used to make me feel proud, the one who used to smile back in the mirror. It will happen. She will surface. I cant wait.