Mindfield

I woke up this morning after a long night of tossing and turning not feeling much better than before I went to bed. Its amazing the things you think about when the whole world is dark and silent and how the body reacts to those subtle changes in time, between night and day. Its amazing how you can feel every functioning of your body in minute detail at 2am, something I never really took the time to notice until now.

I wish for once I could put to rest my mind. Tell it to be calm and peaceful, that everything is going to be okay, that what it's feeling now is only temporary and can resolved with time and a patient hand. But it is like looking into a dark room unaware of it's spacial dimensions - the fear of falling is too great and yet the fear of staying where you are is greater still.

I try to take hold of those moments of clarity - where thoughts of both heart and mind collide. For it is in those moments that I feel alive and safe. I see the light of hope and and the things that can be for me. I see the things that once made me who I was from past but had faded through time. But like a dreaded storm you see off the coast, my anxiety rolls in - no remorse. It takes hold and no matter how hard you fight to stand your ground you can see yourself being engulfed.

And then once in its grip you can then feel yourself slip into a sadness that I have no way of ever explaining its depth or complexity. You feel hatred at yourself for letting this take hold, for making you give in, for making you who you are and for not being strong enough to change the course of events in your head. I was once a strong individual of body and mind, who could have tackled the world without a single thought. And now I see myself as a weak individual who has allowed herself through circumstance to become the very thing I never wanted to be - dependent, useless and scared.

I know there will come a day when I will feel strong again. It's the "when" that has me scared, lost and flailing. Maybe if I just learn to breathe deep for just one moment and allow myself to just be without adding any pressure on myself then I will be okay. But then who am I kidding.